Your favorite “hack” has returned for another joyously enlightened edition of Weekly Lowlights, which evidently some people feel must be the highlight of my “sad life.”
Now, I could go on and on about my three kids and how they routinely make the honor roll, earn citizenship honors and perform at an all-star status on the field of play, my 10-years plus of marriage to a beautiful woman, the fact I’ve traveled the world, graduated from college, own a nice 4-bedroom home with a remarkably green lawn along with a freshly stained redwood deck around our above-ground pool.
But hey, I wouldn’t want to brag. And more importantly, I wouldn’t want to kill the image that I’m a sad, tragically pale, lonely, pathetic ginger who sits behind a computer screen with the blinds closed wearing nothing but off-colored underpants and laughing maniacally at others who make public mistakes in impressive enough fashion to be listed in the very public Turlock police log.
Although I must admit, I am tragically pale and in fact a ginger. Believe me, I try to tan but it only results in a burn and more freckles. Curse you tragically white Irish pigment, curse you!
Moving on, let us begin on May 9 at 11:10 a.m. with Valdimir Cassin, 46, who was kicking back enjoying a refreshingly cold tall boy (no doubt in a brown paper bag) at a public park in the 500 block of Broadway.
Hey, I know if I was good ole Vlad’, I would be chilling at the park with Shylo and the homies, waiting for the sun to go down too, even if it was only 11:10 a.m.
Unfortunately Vladimir was allegedly drinking in a public park and police noticed him and ruined his party. They also found him to be in possession of methamphetamine. He was arrested and booked.
Another guy, Ramil Khodiadeh, 18, ruined his Friday night on May 9. Young Kholiadeh was arrested for vandalism and yep, you guessed it, possession of methamphetamine at 10:28 p.m. in the 800 block of Georgetown Avenue.
On May 10 at 9:28 a.m. Roger Amos, 53, was stopped by police for a traffic violation in the 1200 block of Geer Road. Of all things, police said they found Amos in possession of methamphetamine. He was arrested for possession of methamphetamine.
On May 11 Michael Salgardo, 44, really, really wanted a sourdough burger and some curly fries from Jack in the Box on Golden State Boulevard. Unfortunately he couldn’t quite make it, as he stumbled from the menu to the drive-thru window. Apparently he forgot he wasn’t in a car. Police found him lying down at 10:48 p.m., blocking hungry motorists. He was arrested for public intoxication.
Ricky Lewis, 39, found another way of getting what he wanted. On May 12 at 3:43 a.m., he was reported attempting to steal stainless steel from a business in the 500 block of Tegner Road. Instead of lying down, though, he ran for it. Officers found him a short time later attempting to hide under a grouping of tumbleweeds.
It is well known amongst survival experts that in an emergency situation, such as being chased by the police, that tumbleweed can be collected to form a shelter from the elements and or predators. Sadly, it didn’t provide much shelter for Lewis, who was arrested for attempted grand theft and resisting arrest.
It is speculated that Lewis was attempting to steal the stainless steel so he could fashion a set of forks and spoons with his excellent craftsmanship. He was planning to give the newly fashioned stainless steel eating utensils to a relative for their birthday. Well, at least now he will be able to learn how to hone his craftsmanship, in prison.
On May 15, Robert Graham, 21, thought he was big pimpin’, spendin’ g’s. Of course, the g’s didn’t belong to him, and he certainly won’t be big pimpin’ anytime soon. He was reported as a suspicious person at 2:49 a.m. in the 1300 block of Geer Road, and police discovered allegedly stolen credit cards in his possession. He was arrested for stolen property.