Stuart Smalley once said, “I’m good enough, I’m special enough and gosh darn it, people like me.”

Welcome back to another kinder, gentler version of Weekly Lowlights.

With the dawn of spring upon us, let us look upon those who have ended up in the Turlock Police Log with a renewed light of goodness, joy and defiance. For they are truly not alleged criminals, but merely misguided souls in need of love… and/or massive amounts of intense psychological and chemical dependency rehabilitation. These people are truly brave, powerful souls who dare not to conform to the rules of our unjust society that benefits only the upper middle class and the wealthy.

We launch our journey of truth at 1:38 p.m. May 8 with one Michael Haynes, 38. Poor, poor Mr. Haynes was issued a domestic violence restraining order recently. Due to universal circumstances far beyond his control, he found himself at the victim’s residence in the 1900 block of Asbury Court. The victim had barred Haynes’ entry into the residence, and called the police. Haynes, sensing his impending doom, rushed away from the scene. A short time later police found him hiding in a garbage receptacle, shaken, broken and afraid. Those mean, cruel arbiters of justice arrested Mr. Haynes and threw him into the earthly constraints we know as “the county jail.”

That same day Gwen Gregg, 36, made yet another mere error in judgment. You may remember Gwen; she was the woman who turned herself in for stealing the autism donation box at a Turlock convenience store a few weeks ago. Well, evidently the powers that be seem to admire her resilience for exploring new horizons, and she was back on the streets of Turlock. This time she was arrested and booked for possession of methamphetamine at 3:39 a.m. in the 600 block of Canal Drive. Evidently she is going for a riveting guest appearance on a spin off of AMC’s Breaking Bad.

On star date May 7 in the year 2014, the forces of social non-conformity aligned for Jerry Bays, 30 and Adrian Lopez, 22 at an eatery in the 2800 block of Geer Road. Bays and Lopez proclaimed a defiant “NO!” to the forces of societal rules and basic conduct. They allegedly left the restaurant without paying for their meals, and Lopez brazenly secured a tip left at another table. Tips! Ha, Lopez laughs at them! Bays was arrested and cited for not paying for the food he was clearly unsatisfied with. He will not pay for food grown by the evil empire of agri-business. Lopez was arrested and booked for felony petty theft with prior convictions.

On that same star date Jennifer Bends, 33, and Joan Alameda, 53 proclaimed, “Damn the man!”

You see, Alameda merely fell asleep on a mattress of green grass, under a blanket of stars at a residence in the 800 block of Delbon Avenue. Mother earth knows not the boundaries of human-made property lines. She slept upon the earth dreaming of blueberries and the laughter of children as they skip through a meadow of happiness. Then suddenly a mean, dark-suited person awakened her at 9:26 p.m. and arrested her for merely doing what humans have been doing since the dawn of civilization… sleeping. She was booked for public intoxication.

Bends was arrested and booked for commercial burglary and petty theft with a prior conviction at 9:55 p.m., after she allegedly tried to leave the corporate market known as Raley’s without paying for her corporately marketed products. The police and corporations don’t understand Bends’ struggles for freedom and equality. Bends secretly likens herself to Jennifer Lawrence, star of the Hunger Games, and is merely in a fight for the freedom and liberation from tyranny for all.

This place known as Raley’s is a not a market for basic foodstuffs, but truly an incubator for oppression and despair. (Please disregard, Raley’s Corporate Office. This is a joke)

On May 6, Jason Jarbe, 25, was placed under citizen’s arrest at Raley’s. When police searched Jarbe, they stumbled upon heroin. He was arrested and booked for theft and possession of heroin. Jarbe is not a thief. He is a citizen of the world and is entitled to foodstuffs and or general merchandise to be used for heroin, which is merely a gateway to a higher human consciousness and enlightenment.